1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:12,570 * 2 00:00:12,610 --> 00:00:25,050 * 3 00:00:27,620 --> 00:00:30,690 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 4 00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,060 Please do not be alarmed. 5 00:00:33,090 --> 00:00:36,230 Nothing has happened to your television set, 6 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:40,270 nor are you slipping below the coffee table again. 7 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,800 We've decided to economize. 8 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,270 Everyone had to take a 50 percent cut. 9 00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:47,880 I was fortunate. 10 00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:50,610 We have an extremely short cameraman 11 00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:53,280 who was eliminated entirely. 12 00:00:53,310 --> 00:00:55,680 We anticipate great savings, 13 00:00:55,720 --> 00:01:00,060 since we shall be transmitting only half as much as previously. 14 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,460 This process also has an educational value. 15 00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:06,760 The very young can cover the top part of the screen 16 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:11,070 and be able to see what radio programs used to look like. 17 00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:15,200 And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our next two features, 18 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,410 we leave our new widescreen process 19 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,580 and go to the conventionally-shaped picture. 20 00:01:25,110 --> 00:01:35,120 * 21 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:42,730 * 22 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,400 It was terrible news I was bringing home: 23 00:01:45,430 --> 00:01:47,970 No Christmas bonus this year. 24 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,170 You can understand how I felt when you think of it as I did, 25 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:54,280 in the bank at four percent over the next 20 years. 26 00:01:54,310 --> 00:01:57,380 * 27 00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,110 I was so down in the dumps, 28 00:01:59,110 --> 00:02:03,220 I didn't even feel like reading the evening paper. 29 00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:05,720 And it wasn't, as some unthinking people said, 30 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,660 that I was a penny-pincher. 31 00:02:07,690 --> 00:02:09,320 I was just a careful man. 32 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:15,660 * 33 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:20,170 But the blackest part of my day was yet to come. 34 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,240 Jennifer! 35 00:02:21,270 --> 00:02:29,680 * 36 00:02:29,710 --> 00:02:30,510 What is it? 37 00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:32,510 That's the three-way light. 38 00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:33,620 I know it. 39 00:02:33,650 --> 00:02:36,620 We never turn that on and you're using all three ways! 40 00:02:36,650 --> 00:02:38,090 * 41 00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:39,390 That's right. 42 00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:42,560 * 43 00:02:42,590 --> 00:02:45,730 I want a little light in here for a change. 44 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,300 Dinner's ready. 45 00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:57,340 * 46 00:02:57,370 --> 00:03:07,420 * 47 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,490 * 48 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:13,960 (clears throat) 49 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:14,720 Dear? 50 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,960 Hmm? 51 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,630 What is that? 52 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:19,160 A birthday present. 53 00:03:19,190 --> 00:03:20,860 Oh. 54 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,660 Well, happy birthday, Jennifer. 55 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:25,870 Thank you. 56 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:27,170 Where'd you get this present? 57 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,370 It's a surprise. 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,240 From whom? 59 00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:33,070 From me! 60 00:03:33,070 --> 00:03:34,380 From you? 61 00:03:34,410 --> 00:03:36,380 You mean, you bought it for yourself? 62 00:03:36,410 --> 00:03:37,550 That's right. 63 00:03:37,580 --> 00:03:39,780 Oh, but what about our understanding? 64 00:03:39,810 --> 00:03:42,580 Didn't we agree a long time ago that it wasn't necessary 65 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,420 to demonstrate our affection for one another 66 00:03:44,450 --> 00:03:48,090 by the extravagant exchange of unnecessary items? 67 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,330 Don't worry, I'm not getting anything for you. 68 00:03:59,330 --> 00:04:00,870 That's a steak! 69 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:01,800 That's all right, 70 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,640 you've got your stewed soup meat. 71 00:04:03,670 --> 00:04:04,640 But a steak! 72 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,880 We could eat for a week on what that costs. 73 00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:08,280 You could eat for two weeks 74 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:10,110 on what this cost. 75 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,380 What's happened to you? 76 00:04:11,410 --> 00:04:14,680 I mean, you're not acting at all like my Jennifer. 77 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,050 You're taking this birthday business all out of proportion. 78 00:04:22,790 --> 00:04:23,890 This isn't your birthday. 79 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,930 Your birthday was two months ago. 80 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,460 I wondered how long it would take you to remember that. 81 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:32,900 Well, I'm no longer counting that as my birthday. 82 00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:34,870 Today is my birthday. 83 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,510 My real birthday. 84 00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:41,740 Because today at 2:00, I started to live. 85 00:04:41,780 --> 00:04:43,910 Maybe I better go across the street and get the doctor. 86 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,250 Maybe you should, 87 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,480 because when you hear what I have to say, you may need him. 88 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,990 You see, at 2:00 this afternoon, 89 00:04:52,090 --> 00:04:54,420 I happened to be dusting in the back of the closet 90 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:57,090 in the bedroom, 91 00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,530 when my dust rag caught on a board. 92 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,760 The board came loose. 93 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,530 And guess what I found? 94 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:09,040 From six different banks. 95 00:05:09,070 --> 00:05:11,240 I don't add very well, but the answer keeps coming 96 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:14,740 out something over $33,000. 97 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,040 We can't touch any of that. 98 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,650 That's for our old age. 99 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:21,520 My old age began the day after I married you. 100 00:05:21,550 --> 00:05:25,350 When I think of how we've been living all these years like... 101 00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:28,860 like poverty-stricken pack rats. 102 00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:31,060 Well, that's all over now. 103 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:33,460 From now on, we're going to eat like other people 104 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,500 and live like other people. 105 00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:38,370 No, no, Jennifer, we can't spend any of that. 106 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,600 We... 107 00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:41,100 I absolutely forbid you. 108 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,200 Forbid? 109 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,640 Why, you cheap, miserly, 110 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,150 penny-pinching, money-grabbing... 111 00:05:51,180 --> 00:05:54,150 Well, I'm through. 112 00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:57,690 Alexander Gifford, I'm getting a divorce. 113 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:58,750 A divorce? 114 00:05:58,790 --> 00:05:59,920 And I'll get it! 115 00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:01,920 * 116 00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:04,590 Alienation of affection, that's what it is! 117 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:08,160 I'm naming money as correspondent. 118 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,030 Divorce? 119 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,630 Oh, no. 120 00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:14,070 That would be a terrible thing. 121 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,070 I didn't want to part with Jennifer. 122 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,670 Not in this community property state. 123 00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:21,040 Divorce could be more costly than marriage. 124 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:27,550 * 125 00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:30,150 If, after all these years, I can't live the way I want 126 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,660 to live, I'd rather not live at all. 127 00:06:33,690 --> 00:06:35,820 It was her idea. 128 00:06:35,860 --> 00:06:39,090 In fact, it was the only sensible solution. 129 00:06:39,130 --> 00:06:41,700 Oh, but how does one do this sort of thing? 130 00:06:41,730 --> 00:06:44,100 Where, when? 131 00:06:44,130 --> 00:06:45,330 Certainly not now. 132 00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:46,800 I had to play for time. 133 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:50,240 * 134 00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:52,310 I hadn't read them all, but I had read enough to know 135 00:06:52,340 --> 00:06:56,480 that I could never bring myself to commit such acts of violence. 136 00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:59,650 But now my problem became: How does a man like myself, 137 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:04,020 so inexperienced in the ways of murder, go about it? 138 00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:06,590 I just have to get someone else to do it for me. 139 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:16,630 * 140 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:28,640 * 141 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:29,910 How do you do? 142 00:07:29,940 --> 00:07:31,080 I don't know you. 143 00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:32,750 My name is Alexander Gifford. 144 00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:34,050 I still don't know you, 145 00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:35,150 what do you want? 146 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:37,590 Well, I realize you're temporarily out of circulation, 147 00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,290 but would it be asking too much of you to give me 148 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,290 the name of one of your colleagues? 149 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,290 Huh? 150 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,890 Well, you see, I'd like to have somebody... 151 00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:47,730 bumped off. 152 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:48,730 What? 153 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,830 According to the newspapers, 154 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,070 you were a member of Crime Incorporated. 155 00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:53,270 It's a lie! 156 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:54,770 They didn't prove nothing, I'm innocent. 157 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,440 The D.A. framed me, now, get out of here! 158 00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:58,870 Get him out, he's a kook, a raving kook! 159 00:07:58,910 --> 00:08:00,180 He's out of his mind! 160 00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:02,380 I never hurt anyone in all my life! 161 00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:10,390 A fellow with a temper like that should be in jail. 162 00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:20,430 * 163 00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:28,040 * 164 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,700 -New hat? -Mmm-hmm. 165 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:36,340 * 166 00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:39,610 -New dress. -Yes. 167 00:08:39,650 --> 00:08:41,350 I bought it this afternoon. 168 00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:51,390 * 169 00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:58,730 * 170 00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,200 (knocking) 171 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,900 I'll get it. 172 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,110 Yes? 173 00:09:07,140 --> 00:09:10,010 Your name Gifford, Alexander Gifford? 174 00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:11,150 Yes. 175 00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:13,680 I understand you're looking for somebody to make a hit. 176 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,850 I beg your pardon? 177 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,020 Monk sent me. 178 00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:18,020 Monk, County Jail? 179 00:09:18,050 --> 00:09:21,020 Said you wanted somebody rubbed out. 180 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,290 Shh! 181 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,460 Oh, I get you. 182 00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:26,230 I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes. 183 00:09:26,260 --> 00:09:34,370 * 184 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,270 Now, Mr. Gifford, we're experienced 185 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,670 in this sort of thing. 186 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,040 We know our business. 187 00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:39,940 There's nothing to it. 188 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,380 It's all nice and clean. 189 00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:43,180 Oh, I believe in you implicitly. 190 00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:46,510 Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me how much it will cost? 191 00:09:46,550 --> 00:09:49,580 I can tell you that exact. 192 00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:53,420 (speaking gibberish) 193 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,890 Now, back to cost. 194 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,530 We got a standing rate for this sort of thing. 195 00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,060 The whole bit, including getting rid 196 00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:02,160 of the corpse delicti, only five bills. 197 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,330 Five bills. 198 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,070 In advance, of course. 199 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,840 An eminently fair price. 200 00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:09,740 I accept your proposition. 201 00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:12,170 You know, I'm interested to know how you can perform 202 00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:14,240 such services so reasonably. 203 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,350 We depend on a volume business. 204 00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:18,110 Here you are. 205 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:22,680 One, two, three, four, five. 206 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,990 What's that? 207 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:26,090 -The $5.00. -What $5.00? 208 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,520 Your fee. 209 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,130 I said five bills. 210 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,090 Well? 211 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:36,030 A bill is a C-note, a yard, a hundred. 212 00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,630 A hundred? 213 00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:41,500 You mean, you're asking $500? 214 00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:47,940 Mr. Gifford, you all right? 215 00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:53,550 I see, it's okay, Mr. Gifford. 216 00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:54,850 I understand. 217 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,890 I'm a family man with expenses myself. 218 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,920 If you can't afford our rates, it's okay. 219 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:01,560 But I got to do something about Jennifer. 220 00:11:01,590 --> 00:11:04,560 Well, look, if you can't afford professional talent, 221 00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:05,830 why don't you do it yourself? 222 00:11:05,860 --> 00:11:07,130 No, no, I couldn't. 223 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,060 Why not? 224 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,560 It's a big craze now, do-it-yourself. 225 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,200 No, I've considered it, 226 00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:12,230 believe me, 227 00:11:12,270 --> 00:11:13,900 but I'm just not a man of violence. 228 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,540 There's nothing to it. 229 00:11:15,570 --> 00:11:18,970 Haven't you ever pushed anybody in a line or on a bus? 230 00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:20,080 Yeah. 231 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,140 Same thing, only this time 232 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:25,310 she's standing on the edge of a cliff. 233 00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:27,850 No, no, I couldn't. 234 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,820 Well...look, I saw this one on TV. 235 00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:34,420 A dame did it, real cute dame. 236 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,960 She clobbered her old man over the head 237 00:11:35,990 --> 00:11:38,760 with a frozen leg of lamb. 238 00:11:38,790 --> 00:11:40,900 At 59 cents a pound? 239 00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:43,870 I don't think she stopped to figure. 240 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,470 Look, this is for you. 241 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,870 You like to tinker with mechanical things 242 00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,370 around the house? 243 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,240 Well, you see this diagram? 244 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:54,540 Now, the fuse is attached right here under the floorboard. 245 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,240 She gets in the car, turns on the ignition, 246 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,580 steps on the starter. 247 00:11:57,610 --> 00:12:00,480 Kaboom, the angels sing. 248 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,720 Yeah! 249 00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,750 Oh, but wouldn't that damage the car? 250 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,690 Well, yeah. 251 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:06,820 Look, I'm trying to help you, 252 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,790 but you're making it awful rough. 253 00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:10,230 Well, I don't mean to be difficult, 254 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:14,100 but couldn't we accomplish this without too much violence? 255 00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:16,130 Well, there's always poison. 256 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,800 It's not my specialty, but that'll knock it. 257 00:12:19,830 --> 00:12:20,770 Poison. 258 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,140 Yeah, a few drops of something in a glass 259 00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:24,640 of water, she'll never know what hit her. 260 00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:26,570 Yeah! 261 00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:29,580 Well, but don't you have to sign something when you buy poison? 262 00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:32,410 Not when you get it from my friend, Arthur. 263 00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:36,150 * 264 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:37,750 Arthur. 265 00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:41,090 Boy, you sure know the right kind of people. 266 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,220 Arthur. 267 00:12:45,630 --> 00:12:54,400 * 268 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,440 Oh, I beg your pardon, is your name Arthur? 269 00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:00,740 Yes. 270 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,740 What do you want? 271 00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,850 My name is Gifford, Alexander Gifford. 272 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,350 I didn't ask your name. 273 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:06,410 What do you want? 274 00:13:06,450 --> 00:13:08,520 Uh, well, I was told that I could-- 275 00:13:08,550 --> 00:13:09,880 Come in, come in, come in. 276 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,890 Closer, my boy, come in. 277 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,620 Yeah, I can't see you. 278 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:16,790 Come in, boy. 279 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,960 Well, you see, I was told that I could 280 00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:21,130 come over to see you and that you'd-- 281 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,230 What do you want? 282 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,430 Well, I want to get some poison from you. 283 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,630 Poison, poison from me? 284 00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:27,740 Who told you? 285 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,640 I don't know his name, he said he was a friend 286 00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:31,810 of Monk McGuinness. 287 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,840 How do I know that I can trust you? 288 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:36,680 Well-- 289 00:13:36,710 --> 00:13:38,510 How do I know who you really are? 290 00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:42,420 Well, I can show you my driver's license. 291 00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:43,590 Yeah! 292 00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:45,090 What do you want with poison? 293 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,890 Only to kill my wife. 294 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,690 Oh, a wife-killer! 295 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:52,890 My first one. 296 00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:56,330 Well, you've come to the right place. 297 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,300 I'm really the best. 298 00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:01,370 My poisons are guaranteed undetectable. 299 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,710 Let me show you my scrapbook. 300 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,310 Here, here. 301 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:08,910 Look at this. 302 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:10,350 Here. 303 00:14:10,380 --> 00:14:13,520 "Heiress drops dead of exhaustion 304 00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:15,820 during tennis match." 305 00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:16,820 Exhaustion! 306 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:18,520 (laughing) 307 00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:22,390 That was this one right here. 308 00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:26,290 The remaining heirs were very grateful to me. 309 00:14:26,330 --> 00:14:28,330 Or look at this here. 310 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,400 Here, here, look, look. 311 00:14:30,430 --> 00:14:36,070 "Industrialist drops dead of apoplexy after signing 312 00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:38,370 partnership merger." 313 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:40,080 Apoplexy? 314 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:41,640 (laughing) 315 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:47,320 Oh, now, that's...that was this little sweetheart right here. 316 00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:48,550 Look, all I want is-- 317 00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:49,550 Shh! 318 00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,520 I know what you want, 319 00:14:51,550 --> 00:14:53,920 but how would you like her to go? 320 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,090 Cramps while swimming, a stroke? 321 00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,790 Well-- 322 00:14:58,830 --> 00:14:59,890 I know. 323 00:14:59,930 --> 00:15:02,900 I've got just the thing for a wife. 324 00:15:05,270 --> 00:15:09,200 She must like perfume. 325 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,910 I call it L'amour de Nightshade. 326 00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:17,050 Just one drop behind each ear 327 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,050 and... 328 00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:21,820 (laughing) 329 00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:23,250 That'll do very nicely. 330 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,720 Good. 331 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:28,860 That will be $600, please. 332 00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:30,260 $600? 333 00:15:30,290 --> 00:15:34,060 * 334 00:15:34,060 --> 00:15:36,060 In that instant, it was suddenly clear to me 335 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,930 that I was dealing with a dangerous maniac 336 00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,940 and I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. 337 00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:48,880 * 338 00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:50,250 One thing was certain. 339 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,810 If I didn't succeed in doing away with her soon, 340 00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:55,980 I would surely do away with myself. 341 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,620 It just couldn't go on. 342 00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:01,690 It just couldn't. 343 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,660 But how could it be stopped? 344 00:16:03,690 --> 00:16:04,760 I decided on poison 345 00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:07,800 but there didn't seem to be any. 346 00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:09,400 But there was! 347 00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:14,940 * 348 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,640 And it wasn't gonna cost $600. 349 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,710 * 350 00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:21,280 The young biologist told me not to let 351 00:16:21,310 --> 00:16:23,310 that newspaper story frighten me. 352 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,150 He himself had been working on botulism 353 00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:26,680 and had a culture of it. 354 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,920 Botulism, he said, was one of the deadliest 355 00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:30,350 of food poisonings. 356 00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,120 But with modern methods of refrigeration 357 00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:34,660 and preservation, it practically never occurred 358 00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:37,330 in anything outside of the laboratory. 359 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:47,370 * 360 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:57,450 * 361 00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:07,390 * 362 00:17:07,420 --> 00:17:17,130 * 363 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:35,180 * 364 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:49,060 * 365 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,530 I'm sorry you weren't hungry, Alex. 366 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,700 I feel like a pig, eating all that ham by myself. 367 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,870 * 368 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,710 I thought it hadn't worked. 369 00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:05,510 * 370 00:18:05,550 --> 00:18:07,720 (groaning) 371 00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:14,020 * 372 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,020 (groaning) 373 00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:18,090 But I was wrong. 374 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,430 Oh, so wrong. 375 00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:24,270 * 376 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,330 Oh, doctor, thank goodness you got here. 377 00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:29,770 Alex, my wife told me you dropped by. 378 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,110 What is it? 379 00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:33,840 If it's those free vitamin samples, I'm all out of them. 380 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,610 It's Jennifer. 381 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,050 What seems to be bothering her? 382 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,110 I don't know. 383 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,450 She's breathing kind of funny. 384 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:40,580 It all started last night. 385 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,150 She began seeing double. 386 00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:43,150 Seeing double? 387 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,820 And then this morning, before I left for work, 388 00:18:44,850 --> 00:18:46,650 she looked so pale. 389 00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:47,820 Poor Jennifer. 390 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,760 -Pale? -Kind of gray. 391 00:18:49,790 --> 00:18:51,790 I stopped off at your house but you'd already left 392 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:52,790 for the hospital. 393 00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:53,760 For Heaven's sake, man, 394 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,630 you could have called another doctor. 395 00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:56,900 But, we've always gone to you. 396 00:18:56,930 --> 00:18:59,100 You're our neighbor, our friend. 397 00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:11,380 * 398 00:19:11,410 --> 00:19:13,720 Doctor, doctor, how is she? 399 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:17,890 You better sit down, Alex, I'm afraid it's bad news. 400 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,120 Jennifer's dead. 401 00:19:19,150 --> 00:19:21,020 No, she's not. 402 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,620 She's not? 403 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:25,460 She's very ill, but we mustn't give up hope. 404 00:19:25,490 --> 00:19:27,500 No, no, no, of course not. 405 00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:32,100 Tell me, what did you have for dinner last night? 406 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,940 Well, um, we had soup. 407 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,570 Barley soup, of course. 408 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,810 Uh, lettuce and tomato salad, 409 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:39,940 no dressing. 410 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,680 Hamburgers...no, no, I had the hamburger. 411 00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:45,350 Jennifer insisted on eating the leftover ham. 412 00:19:45,380 --> 00:19:46,610 Leftover ham? 413 00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:47,650 And then for dessert-- 414 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,180 Never mind that. 415 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,720 That's it! 416 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,790 I'm going to take what's left of that ham 417 00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:54,220 and have it analyzed. 418 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:58,060 I'm certain she's suffering from botulism. 419 00:19:58,060 --> 00:19:59,390 -Botulism? -Yes. 420 00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:03,060 It's a rare type of food poisoning. 421 00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:04,830 By the way, have you got a paper bag? 422 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,740 Oh, yes, of course. 423 00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:12,340 If only you'd called me last night, or even this morning. 424 00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,680 But now-- 425 00:20:14,710 --> 00:20:16,850 -There's no hope? -Only one. 426 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:17,550 One? 427 00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:19,850 She has an amazing constitution. 428 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,850 If she can last through the night, 429 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,220 she might just pull through. 430 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,060 She might? 431 00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:30,890 Don't get your hopes up, Alex. 432 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,730 She has very little chance. 433 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,200 Let me know if there's any change. 434 00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:37,270 Yes, of course, doctor. 435 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:49,910 * 436 00:20:49,940 --> 00:21:00,060 * 437 00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:12,370 * 438 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,300 Suddenly, I felt sad, I was almost sorry 439 00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:18,270 that poor Jennifer had to leave. 440 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:23,280 (snoring) 441 00:21:23,310 --> 00:21:25,750 It was a frightening sound to hear. 442 00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:28,420 She was actually beginning to snore. 443 00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:32,090 A loud, full, disgustingly healthy snore. 444 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,860 (snoring) 445 00:21:34,890 --> 00:21:37,630 "If she can last through the night." 446 00:21:37,660 --> 00:21:47,670 * 447 00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:59,250 * 448 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,750 I was afraid she wouldn't make it through the night. 449 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:07,620 "Cause of death: botulism." 450 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:11,530 Now, what time did you say she stopped breathing? 451 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,690 Stopped breathing? 452 00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:15,360 Oh, it was about 10:30. 453 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,530 "10:30." 454 00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:21,340 I know this is difficult for you, Alex, 455 00:22:21,370 --> 00:22:23,540 but you'll have to give this death certificate 456 00:22:23,570 --> 00:22:24,970 to the undertaker. 457 00:22:25,070 --> 00:22:26,540 The undertaker? 458 00:22:26,570 --> 00:22:27,680 Well, naturally. 459 00:22:27,710 --> 00:22:30,180 You didn't expect to leave her in there, did you? 460 00:22:30,210 --> 00:22:32,080 Oh, no, of course not. 461 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,080 I just never thought about the funeral. 462 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,480 I know, it's a sudden shock. 463 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:41,690 Yes, it is, I mean, funerals are expensive. 464 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:46,760 I'm afraid it will cost you at least $125. 465 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,760 That much? 466 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,930 Plus $35 more for even the cheapest plot. 467 00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:53,470 Oh. 468 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,910 Please accept my sympathy, Alex. 469 00:22:59,940 --> 00:23:04,810 * 470 00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:06,050 (door closes) 471 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,180 $160. 472 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:11,590 Jennifer was dead and she was still spending my money. 473 00:23:11,620 --> 00:23:13,920 But I wasn't gonna take it lying down. 474 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,260 No, sir. 475 00:23:15,290 --> 00:23:17,060 $160. 476 00:23:17,060 --> 00:23:19,090 I should say not. 477 00:23:19,130 --> 00:23:20,860 Oh, what could I do? 478 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,330 Where could I turn? 479 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:29,070 * 480 00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:34,380 $55, $65, $70, $75. 481 00:23:34,410 --> 00:23:37,310 It was inspirational, the way I got around the funeral. 482 00:23:37,350 --> 00:23:40,880 The medical school had actually paid me for poor Jennifer. 483 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,650 $75. 484 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:52,430 * 485 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,630 Where are you? 486 00:23:57,670 --> 00:23:58,500 What? 487 00:23:58,530 --> 00:23:59,700 I'm looking... 488 00:23:59,730 --> 00:24:02,770 Oh, there you are, I couldn't find you. 489 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,340 Before our overzealous efficiency expert 490 00:24:05,370 --> 00:24:08,040 blacks me out entirely, I should mention 491 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,610 that Mr. Gifford was caught 492 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,780 and paid the supreme penalty, 493 00:24:11,810 --> 00:24:14,350 in his case, a heavy fine. 494 00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,380 You see, the moral of tonight's story 495 00:24:16,420 --> 00:24:21,690 is the perfect murder should also include a happy funeral 496 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,530 and a decent burial. 497 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,130 And now, for the perfect commercial, 498 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,530 after which I will return. 499 00:24:31,370 --> 00:24:33,740 I'm certain you'll be delighted to know 500 00:24:33,770 --> 00:24:36,100 that we saved enough money tonight 501 00:24:36,140 --> 00:24:38,740 so that next week, we shall be able to send you 502 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:41,080 a double exposure. 503 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:43,450 And now, until then, 504 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:47,350 when I assure you we shall return to television, 505 00:24:47,380 --> 00:24:49,380 good night, wherever you are.